or rather it sounds like it should look a lot like Christmas soon.
WE’RE ALMOST THERE PEOPLE:hold on.
I’m determined to make this week full of not only Christmas Spirit but optimism. Fuck my life that I need to apply to colleges, and figure out where I want to go- but really… I love my life, and the people in it. Those people who are incredibly smart, caring and happy. This isn’t my job to ruin their happiness with my depression and confusion. IT’S ALMOST FUCKING CHRISTMAS, THEN I’M 18, AND THEN COMES 2010.
I really do mean it, my best friend got into Colby today- early decsion so it’s great to know where she’ll be- giving me a bit of clarity in life (for once). Today Nick and I came here and played Bananagrams- I owned of course because I’m fucking amazing at that game. I most likely have homework to do… no thanks! I’m really happy and ummmm ya…
where I honestly can’t even begin to imagine my life without my best friends. I have spent almost every day with my best friend Justine since I was two, likewise with Emily since I was eleven. I can’t imagine it. I don’t want to. I’m content. I’m happy. DON’T DO THIS TO ME. Fuck I can’t go to college.
It’s that feeling; the inclosing feeling the feeling of hopelessness; and the feeling of regret. All rolled up into one. It’s the feeling that maybe your life is like the movies sometimes, but just sometimes. It’s the thought that you may not come out alive, and it’s the realization that that doesn’t bother you much. It’s then that you know you have hit the bottom, and the fall was longer than you thought it would be. That since the day you were born you have been in the air, awaiting the bottom and on occasion you were stuck on a ledge, thinking thank god it’s over. You thought you had hit it many times before but until you’re handed a gray uniform and stripped of your belongings, you have not hit bottom. Until your hands shake, until your adrenaline pumps at light speed thinking of how long it would take them to catch you if you were to run down the dimly lit halls in search of a way out. It’s the thought that it might not be worth the run, but more importantly of who would be on the outside waiting. It’s realizing the past is the past, and there is no going back to your once perfect life. It’s knowing that you let go of perfection in human form and that your wrists burn not because you’re sweating but because they are bandaged tightly and have been. It’s seeing your parents’ faces white as a ghost staring at you on the ground covered in your own blood. It’s the scream from your little sister who got home from school to find an ambulance and a trail of your blood leading from the kitchen out the door. It’s the knowledge that people cared for at least ten minutes and its knowing that your smile was seen by the whole neighborhood as they gathered around your house wondering what the commotion was. It’s the thought that you have never felt happier than when your blood was being quickly drained from your body. It’s hearing the cries of your once love as he watches you lay lifeless on a stretcher his name on your lips. It is knowing that this time he is the one hurt, and you’re the weak one for holding on so long until it was too late, and you were granted life.
“Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion’s starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don’t see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often, it’s not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it’s always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know, none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I’ve got a sneaking suspicion… love actually is all around.”— Love Actually
I’m in such a great mood. The snow is glistening, the sun is shining the world I live in is amazingly beautiful. I’m just so full of Christmas spirit and love right now. Everything is wonderful. By the way (btdubs) I’m watching Love Actually I am so in love with this movie. It is one of my absolute favorites! It fills me with even more Christmas spirit than I had in the first place.
"But for now, let me say - Without hope or agenda - Just because it’s Christmas - And at Christmas you tell the truth - To me, you are perfect - And my wasted heart will love you"
honestly, I’m on the fence. For the last week I’ve been dealing with “love” or lack there of. It started with crying boys- which showed me that I can NEVER be in “love”because I can’t break someone’s heart (again) I just don’t have it in me. I was so sick after- and I still am- just nauseous knowing that I hurt someone that bad. So I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I laid on the couch and watched Paper Heart. What an amazing movie. The love seen in that movie made me WANT to love someone with my whole heart, and nothing but. Now, I’m listening to original love songs on youtube. So many people are full of love- so many people. Now, I want love- but do I?I’m on the fence- I’m definetly not going to go look for it, but who’s to say (what is impossible…) it wont just come? It could- and now I am left to decide to receive it, or run away.
I love the way you smile at even the small things. I love how you tell me you love me. I love how you touch me and make me feel like I’m walking in a dream. When you kiss me, I feel the electricity run through my body and my hands begin to shake. I get so nervous around you and I get a little speechless. I can’t help myself but smile with you. When I listen to a love song, you instantly slide into my mind and I want to dance with you as the song is playing. I want to sway in your arms and stare into your glistening eyes and tell you I love you in the softest tone. I want to never let go of your hand because I know our hands fit so perfect together. I love how your soft lips move against mine. You lift me off my feet and take me to somewhere else. You make me want to spend forever with you. Lets go into space and spend eternity together and stay young while we do it. I don’t need anything else but you. You are the smile on my lips and the reason why my cheeks are always pink. You’re the song I fall asleep to every night and the birds whistling their lovely tunes in the morning. You are the sun rising above the horizon, and the blue sky that is crystal clear. You are the fairy dust that makes me fly. I want you forever and always. And yes, forever is a long time, but a long time with you would feel so short. I hate how our days are quickened because of how times pasts when I’m with you. I remember when I was so unhappy, so alone, so heartbroken and when she didn’t love me. I was like the broken record that kept repeating the sad song and you gave me a happy tune. I still remember the weekend I went camping and how I talked to you. How I told you I couldn’t wait to be yours and how you told me you were scared because of both of our relationships. I remember what I was doing! I was sitting on my chair, outside at night, and eating pringles while watching some movie. That was the night I heard the Coyotes howling and sniffling around my tent and I was so scared. I didn’t even want her then. I wanted you to come hold me and kiss me and tell me I was going to be okay. I remember complaining to Ollie about how bad I wanted you and I remember whining and saying “WHYYY CANT SHE BE MINE GODDDD” i was so lame and stupid. I even laugh at myself for being a dork that weekend. I was so scared that you didn’t like me though, and that you were lying to me and you were distant because you didn’t want me. But look at us now. I believe in us now. I believe in love and fate and everything good. I can’t wait to fall in love with you. I wish you were awake right now so I could tell you I loved you every 5 seconds. My heart feels like its fluttering and I’m smiling because I’m the luckiest girl right now to be loved by such a beautiful person. Inside and out. You amaze me.
in your own unique way. And this isn’t even Hallmark shit- I’m just thinking about how beautiful this world is- inside and out. I strongly believe that humans are good people… is this bad? I believe in each and everyone of you. Even you strangers (who I secretly love more than some people I know). I honestly can’t wait to see any of your names up in lights, and firmly believe with your determination you’ll get there. You’re amazing people. I’m constantly surrounded with amazing people that surprise me with their complete amazingness. I love you.
I just finally wrote about my mother for my college essay (#3)
I feel a lot better about everything in my life… just knowing I could get the obvious elephant in the room out of the way. It was the one thing holding me back… whether it’s good or not- is BEYOND me. I’m so disillusioned to my own work.
But- to all you lovely people out there (at 12:53!? what are doing up!? go to bed !) here it goes….
"Oh so you think I’m a bad mother because I’m an alcoholic!?" I remember all too well my mother screaming at my seventeen year old sister as she packed her bags to move out. I had never heard the word before, nor had I found it weird that my mother drank an average of ten Budwiser beers a day. I was in fourth grade, I was just learning how to create a flashlight by connecting a few wires and reading Platform Thirteen repeatedly making sure I left no word unturned for hidden meaning. I had grown accustom to the life I lived, Mommy would stumble through the door late, and Daddy would be there to make sure she got to bed, occasionally there would be a fight. My fingers always knew exactly how to fit in my ears curved as a fishhook they would block out any nasty words. When my father moved out when I was in eighth grade I was left to pick up the pieces of my family’s life and rearrange them so the world did not see through our facade. Nightly I would wait up past one for my mother to stumble in so I could put her to bed, a pan by her side as I rubbed her back and held her hair. Eventually my school work began to suffer, my mood changed, and I was left a skeleton of the fun loving person I had been. On February 30th 2008 I made the biggest and best decision of my life, I moved in with my father. The decsion within itself was heart wrenching. I cried myself to sleep many nights, and eventually had to remove my battery from my phone as to avoid my mother’s drunk cries for me to come home, or her drunken verbal punches through the phone. However; with this decision came my first breath of fresh air since my fourth year of school when I was introduced to the reality of alcoholism. With my innocence long stripped away I began to experience my independence from my mother for the first time. I ran for Junior Class President and as I set out to do won. With this new found power I raised our class earnings from $1,300 to $10,000 in one school year. Likewise I began to help with the DECA team at my school. The team has taught me my strengths of human relations and my weakness of a poor handshake. The organization also taught me, although I do well at competitions (as a state and international qualifier) that business is not for me; but rather teaching is my calling. I also traveled over the summer to Germany, a country I had no prior knowledge of, and learned not only the language but my love for the old buildings the country holds. Most recently I have become the president of the DECA team, and the yearbook editor. “Oh so you think I’m a bad mother because I’m an alcoholic?” Years after my sister had heard this, I heard this exact sentence. It was just yesterday that my mother called, her words slurred and the time only being mid-afternoon. I was on break at the local pharmacy where I work as a cashier and pharmacy technician. After a brief talk with her I sat back and thought about the sentence, the repetition and her tone. Thinking back on these last two years all I can do is thank her. No, she is not a bad mother because she’s an alcoholic; as always she is a terrific mother who at times as all people do makes wrong decisions. Thanks to her I have experienced so much, taken chances I never thought I would take, and made friends with those I never thought I would enjoy. Thanks to her I have the life she set out for me when she first gave birth to me- she has succeeded in making me the outstanding individual I am today. And on June 4, 2010 when I’m up giving my graduation speech to the most amazing class to graduate Manchester Essex Regional High School, I will thank her as I have many times before, for being the best mother anyone could ask for.
I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them. I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won’t tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn’t change the fact that they were upset. And even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn’t really change the fact that you have what you have.
- Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower