when the unthinkable occurs, when you’ve been trained but think that its only a precaution, when everything you’ve learned and everything they’ve taught you is challenged, when its put to the test, how will you react? will you come out with anything other than regret? how will you know, until it actually happens, truth is you don’t want to know, because if you do, it means the unimaginable has actually happen.
“The unusual thing about quiet is that when you seek it, it is almost impossible to achieve. When you strive for quiet, you become impatient, and impatience is itself a noiseless noise. You can block every superficial sound, but, with each new layer extinguished, a next rises up, finer and more entrapping, until you arrive at last in the infinite attitude of your own riotous mind. Inside is where all the memories last like wells, and the unspoken wishes like golden buds, and the pain that you keep, lingering and implicit, staying inside, nesting inside, articulating, articulating, through to the day you die.”—ilary Thayer Hamann, Anthropology of an American Girl (via creatingaquietmind)
is beautiful, and I think I’m finally ready to face my fears and finish learning how to longboard. FUCK EVERYTHING. I need to start taking chances. Also, I think I’m still gonna live in San Fransico one day, it was a good idea.
I JUST WANT EVERYTHING TO BE JUST AS BEAUTIFUL AS TODAY IS.
Someone will love me, and when they say forever; they’ll mean it. They wont leave, or say maybe next time. They’ll understand I’m good enough for there never to be a next time, but an all the time. They’ll get me, and they’ll kiss my forehead. They’ll wake me up each morning with a kiss, and plan dates where we blow bubbles or watch sunsets, or both.
One day, I’ll open myself up again. Until that day, it’s all your fault, and I don’t know how to say that nicely. I’m broken, and that sucks. I’m happy, but boy am I broken. I don’t believe there will be another day right now, and that’s scary. Stop taking everything away from me. Please.
One day, I’ll be happier than ever. One day someone will realize my worth, and get that throwing me away is a mistake. They wont have the time to admit they made a mistake beneath covers, because they wont leave me. They wont fall out of love.
The throbbing headache and nausea I can endure, I’ve had worse. Right now I could cry, such a raw hope consumed me as I thought about you, desperate. It was still dark for me then, when I needed you. Now it’s day. It brings a true smirk to my face to know you are nothing more than a night of binge drinking: a foolish part of my youth, a consequence of boredom. I could not hold your liquor, I vomited all that bile you said to me in the hedges outside. Don’t fret, this is not a bad memory, in fact you might never be a memory at all. I am well. I will drink better and far more dangerous poisons. I am today, you are only last night.